Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Muhasabah Diri

to be honest, this is not my first blog, nor my second, nor my third. i have plenty. and each has its own purposes as i dont believe in throwing all my emotions (tantrums, heart rants etc) and experience all jumbled up in 1 blog. reasons are simple, not all people understood what we have been going through. and not all people can accept our thinking. hence all the blogs.

right now, the one that are active are this blog and my felt crafting blog (still active tho i seldom post anything there). this blog mainly captures my pregnancy and post pregnancy moments while the craft blog, for my craft, what else? :p

i do own a TTC blog where i captured all my experiences and emotions during my TTC journey where hatred, envy, rage, sad, despair, and hopes are bundled up together. sadly, due to some reasons, ive privatized the blog. like ive stated earlier, not all people understood what we have been going through. and not all people can accept our thinking.

and yes, i do have personal blog where i blog mostly about everything that happened in my life (study, work, love) but not TTC and pregnancy. like my TTC blog, ive privatized this blog for the same reasons.

looking back at both blogs, ive realized that life sometimes did not follow exactly what we have planned it to be. anything could happen if He wanted it to be. kun fa ya kun. so i believe, privatized those two blogs are the right choice.

muhasabah diri.

i remember being annoyed with those whom posted their pregnancy ticker at FB and those whom proudly share the baby progress week by week in social network. annoyed, hate and envy. all mixed up together. those were the dark times. hurmm. looking back, i could not help but thinking "lemah betul aku masa tu, tu semua hasutan setan". but right now, im thinking that maybe they could not help to hide their excitement of having a child, thus the tickers and progress for the whole wide world to share their happiness. maybe.

i remembered being so down and not in the mood when seeing people announcing their pregnancy/ies. looking back, i believe the reasons of me behaving that way was not because i hate the fact that they are pregnant nor cursing them but was a way of hiding the fact that i am so sad that i could not bear a child and blaming my ownself. i dont blame myself for feeling that way, but i do regret blamming myself. hey, it takes two to tango, it also takes two to conceived. so y must i blame my self when what i should do was to babydance more? haha. so yes dear ladies, dont blame yourselves for yet to conceived, it is a ticket for you to babydance more.

i remembered crying when aunt flow comes knocking. why should i really? having menses shows that i am ovulating. it is just not the right time. 

i remembered being misjudged by others. being said mean things and how friends turns to foe.  those who are not in our shoes shall never knows how we felt. hence they could simply say anything. i have no regrets over how thing turn friends into foes. this is certainly sad, yet i feel like it was for the best. i strongly disagree that im being a bad friend for simply stating my feelings and if they were truly my friend then they should know better than asking me those questions. if i am a really bad friends, i shall told others about their secrets. yes, i do know their darkest secrets. yet i simply kept it to my selves  tho the urge to blurt out the secret was so strong. yey me!
so no, i did not regret not having them as my friends anymore. im better off without them. furthermore, i believe that when a group of people meet and they felt awkward, self-conscious and tongue-tied, they are not friends, they are simply acquaintances.

i remembered spilling all my thoughts in my blogs, jotting down all my angst and fear and anxiety. ive learn the hard way that not all people understood what we have been going through. and not all people can accept our thinking hence it is better for us to kept it to ourselves. it doesnt matter if you are blogging as anonymous, some things are better kept to ourselves. hence, the choice of privatizing my other 2 blogs are made.

i remembered dreading to accept weddings invitations as i hate to be asked the golden questions. to be frank, i am still dreading to go to my friends wedding as i simply dont want to bump into those acquaintances. it took me long time to stand back on my feet and i dont want to felt pity to my ownselves anymore. enough is enough. i need to stand strong and not to crumble anymore. no, im not stubborn, i admit that i was wrong to simply wrote how i felt but in my defense, it was in my ttc blog which i remain anonymous. okay, enough, i was wrong, so are those who asked me those dreadful questions. and im proud of myself for the fact that i have admit my mistake. but life must go on. and i dont want to feel sorry for my self. hence, dear friends-whom-i-turn-down-your-wedding-invitations, i am so sorry for not being able to come and i wish you all a very blissful marriage.

muhasabah diri.

happiness is a way of travel, not the destinations ~ roy goodman

all these things have taught me a lot, both in good and hard ways. and the lessons taught certainly made me grow wiser. so yes, lets not ponder on the past but to strive for the future. insyallah.

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