Double!

21st November 2013

bangun pagi cam biasa nk subuh, ttibe tergerak hati nk wat upt. walaupun setiap bulan buat, dan BFN. (pembaziran duit disitu kan) + period aku sekarang mmg tingtong. mmg akan lewat seminggu setiap bulan.

honestly, setiap hari rasa nk wat UPT tp otak kata, jgn, membazir je nnti. buat bila dah 25hb. at least dah gaji. kalo sedey bole shopping. hahahahahah. perempuan. biasalah. shopping is the remedy for sadness.

tapi pagi tadik. mmg tergerak hati nk wat. selamba kencing dan dip the UPT. and guess what?

double line!

ALLAHUAKBARR!

mula2 kuar nampak tak nampak je. mata aku mmg tak kalih tempat lain dah. lepas tu makin terang makin terang makin terang.

and i was like? errrrrrr????

terus kejut husband yg tengah tido. paksa die bangun. mmg tak la nk bangun kan. bagi spek suh gak die bangun. nk tunjuk something.

and u know what he said?

"ape? awak nampak han han ke? kalo han han abg nk sambung tido"

?????

aku paksa dia jugak bangun. dan dia berdegil jugak tanak bangun. sampai la aku kene kata
"rasanya sy pregnant bang"

terus dia bangun dan tgk UPT. double line. dan dia kata

"dua line tu pregnant ke?"

danggg!

----------------------------------------------------

dan semalam, baby dah ada heartbeat, alhamdulillah. kalo mengikut TVS, 7weeks n 3days.
terima kasih ya Allah!

doakan kami ya.

hamza bakal jadik abang long kawasan! like, for real!

abg long kawasan tgh layan 3ninjas sambil menjerit2 keseronokan!

Eh, lekat lagi ke?

berdesing je telinga aku dengar ayat ni.

apa susah sgt ke nk sebut elok2 pun macam

eh, pregnant ke?
eh, hamza nk dpt adek ke?
eh, ada org baru ke?
eh, berita gembira ke?
eh? eh? eh?

takde la bukan apa, bahasa tu mencerminkan jati diri apa. dah kalo tu yg terkeluar dari mulut, agak2 camna la tanggapan orang kat yg bercakap tu?

erm, seb bek aku tak dgr direct, dengar dari mulut laki aku je sbb die yg dengar.

dan seb bek laki aku cool je. selamba kata

"nnti lagik 2minggu baru bagi tau"

hahahhahah

Aminkan Boleh?

setiap kali bercerita tentang pregnancy, aku mesti akan kata,

doakan sy dapat kembar ye. aminn
eh, aminkan sy, aminkan saya. 
(sambil selamba mintak org lain aminkan jugak. selagi die tak sebut amin, aku paksa gak)

selamba eh? tak jugak, sbb aku percaya, makin ramai yg aminkan, makin dekat doa itu denganNya. kann?

kannnnnn?

and how i wish, i was this positive during my TTC time.
takde sentap2 bile org tanya bila nk dapat anak.

well, this is how i answer when people ask me when hamza's going to get adik.

bukan apa, aminkan orang pun sebenarnya adalah hadiah bagi orang tu kan? kan?

Stay Positive!

sebenarnya bukan senang nk sentiasa positive. dah nama kata manusia kan. negative je sentiasa.

jujur, ini kisah negative aku. please dont judge me.

sebab aku cuba utk stay positive. and this is me being positive.

dan ini cerita 4hari lepas. cerita basi. tp aku mahu share.

famili laki aku sedang bergolak. jadi laki aku nk balik kg nek bas. 

aku tanya, "napa tak balik ngn N (N adalah adik laki aku)?"

dan jawapannya "N tak bole naik bas, sbb dia pregnant."

fyi, dia baru je kawen september lepas.

owh, dan dia jugak sbaner ada PCOS. kata familinya la. tah, aku tak pernah amik port. isu2 sensitif, aku lebey rela tuan badan yg cerita, bukan aku yg sibuk2 amik tau.

pregnant?

ok sentap.

baru 3bulan kawen.

wohooooo!

ttibe, aura jeles aku membuak2. 

setan terus berbisik kat aku "lepas ni makin hebat la derang cop ko yg problem nk pregnant aritu. sbb anak2 pompuan die sume subur"

jahat kan setan.

setan mmg sentiasa jahat. tp manusia ada akal, utk fikir buat jahat ke buat baik kan?

mmg, jujur, aku jeles, sentap dan segala mak nenek. wallawei senang gile ko nk dapat anak.

tp, aku diam. diam dan diam.

setengah jam kemudian, aku terfikir... 

lantakkan dia sudah. tak payah sakit2 hati nk pk.

dan sebenarnya, lantakkan dia sudah. tak payah sakit2 hati nk pk. adalah aku being positive. terima qada qadar. rezeki mereka cepat. rezeki aku nk dapat hamza lambat. itu tertulis utk kami. terima. positive.

and it works! takda lagik rasa sentap. takda lagik rasa jeles. terus jadik tak berperasaan.

oh ya, aku mmg org kurang berperasaan. but then, it is me being positive.

apa aku cuba sampaikan ialah, ye, aku tau, TTC adalah masa perasaan kita sgt2 sensitive. aku mengaku tu. in fact aku yg dah ada anak ni pun sedikit terkesan bila org lain senang2 je dapat anak. tp, di sebalik all those negativity, cuba utk positive.

being positive do helps. 

it helps easing your mood. 

it helps taking some burden off your shoulder.

and it helps you live your live more passionately.

for only He knows what best for us.

mungkin sekarang ko rasa down sbb takde anak. tp ko tak perasan yg sbaner tuhan bagi ko mende lain lebey. so sabar. be positive. 

lagikpun, by being positive, ko akan rasa semua menda mudah.

dan, ada hikmah sebalik kejadian. ada hikmah di sebalik aku diam, pendam dan akhirnya lantakkan dia sudah. tak payah sakit2 hati nk pk.

sebab.. Allah SWT ada perancangannya sendiri.

tapi tu cerita lain. entry lain aku cite.

jadi, kalo kowang dah down, sebab org lain pregnant (mcm aku awal2 tu), stay positive. divert kan fikiran anda ke tempat lain. lantak kan je mereka semua. anggap je mereka tak wujud. atau anggap je mereka cuma semut2 kecil dalam kehidupan anda. stop thinking bout them.

it helps.

well, it did helped me staying positive.

insyallah. 

masa kita akan tiba.

as for time being...

Having Second

hamza is now 1.6yo. and still yet to walk on his own. still learning to overcome his fear of walking, i believe.

and yes, we are thinking of having second.

in fact, ever since hamza is 1yo, the thoughts have lingers in our mind. and we stop wearing all protections ever since. every time im a few days late, i will tell myself that yes, we are expecting.  and every time AF come knocking, i'd felt down. and somehow, i will then tell myself, stop being one crazy hormonal woman and just accept that Allah knows what best for me.

hah, i do sound like one mad woman eh?

and, i wanted a twins.
haha.
now, i DO sound like one mad woman. i admit.

and every time i feel down for having AF, this exact sentence will pop out in my mind
"stop being one cranky bitch just because u have ur menses! bulan depan, mesti twins!"

when i told others that i would wanted second, some would tell me that it is still early for me to have seconds; hamza need our undivided attention. and some, would say, way to go babe! its good for hamza to have friends.

not that im not thankful for hamza. i am thankful. im one lucky mother for having such handsome and good baby. and i believe that hamza will be a good brother. 

but again, kun fayakun. 

maybe He knows that i would not have the strength to manage more than one child, right now. 

maybe He knows that our financial is not stable enough for another child, right now.

for only He knows what best for us. 

and i, personally, will accept it. for yes, only He knows what best for us.

but hey, one could dream, yes?